Within the last 6 months or so, I have struggled and continue to struggle with accepting or respecting authority (i.e. – school director, stepfather, training manager). These disagreements have not all been without a sound reason, but I believe that the Lord is showing/teaching/molding me the be more like Him. This is a story/study on what and how He is revealing/convicting/raising awareness/consciousness.
Since last August I feel like my life has been in a great flux. I am not sure if it is from consequences of poor choices, or a strongly pressed uprooting of old self/patterns. Either way, I am sure it is in the Father’s will for me to learn from this.
In September I went down to Tennessee to a school of practical ministry, where I encountered much mixing of doctrines, and plenty of emergent church tendencies (experience taking precedence over the written Word). I became extremely resistant to the director, mostly by having an extremely guarded heart. In retrospect, I can see that I acted towards my benefit over obedience.
I then went back to the household I grew up in, where my mother and stepfather lived. Most interaction between my stepfather and I was a replay of growing up, the difference was now that I have tasted the Lord’s grace. I did eventually get to a point where I no longer wanted to have this interaction. I left.
I was training for management for a quick service restaurant at the beginning of the year. The manager who was training me did not see eye to eye, and eventually I was pushed out and quit. I vividly remember him asking “why are you resisting me?,” just as the director of the school asked.
This left me without stable housing, without a job and soon without a car.
I just recently got into an arrangement where I am to help a lady who just had surgery. The expectations were not communicated very clearly, and I have considered leaving. She has no one else to daily help her, and I couldn’t find it in my heart to abandon her. Because the agreement seemed to benefit, and impede on myself, I again let myself get to a point where I want to wander off. When the weight feels to cumbersome I seem to want to dump it and run.
The Lord has brought me to conviction of such things. Through prayer, words of truth from a great friend, words of experience from another, and encouragement from the rest, I am aware and confess I have put myself first in these temporary circumstances.
The truth is: I am to serve, as if I am serving Christ Himself without wavering and with my eyes focused on Him and His glory.
Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.
Colossians 3:22-24 NASB